Everyone's Human

Time for me to come clean about why I haven't made a video in three months. I've learned that I don't have to be perfect in order to help, teach and serve others. I'm human just like you. I'll always have doubts and insecurities to face because the only constant in life is change. I'm not a fraud because I still may struggle at times. In fact, I'd be a huge fraud if I claimed to never struggle.

I was so resistant to doing this video that the technology seems to have felt it too. Forgive the slight sync issues with the audio/video. I think the essence comes across regardless.

Wishing you a fantastic new year!

Totally Awesome To Be Alive!

Saturday was my fifth experience with Holotropic Breathwork, the fourth time in the past year, and the second time Lori and I teamed up as partners. Once again it was unlike any prior time. I fell into a very deep meditative state even before the music and breathing was supposed to start. Suddenly I found myself laying on my mat, realizing the tribal music was cranking and I needed to get breath fast and deep. I had no idea how much time had passed and I thought "Oh no! I'm missing it." This went on a few times, I thought I wasn't getting much out of it. I had very few conscious memories or experiences. I was either in the room thinking I was missing it or I was in some zone so deep I got no "story" from it.  I remember laughing out loud a few times at my thoughts that I wasn't getting anything - some part of me knew better.  A few times when the bass of the music had the floor vibrating it felt like every cell of mine was vibrating and ascending.  As I floated above into some golden dimension, I took one step forward and completely lost my balance and "landed" back on the mat, in the room, with the music cranking and people breathing and wailing around me. I laughed again.  I felt like, ah you think you are ready for this enlightenment? Think again kid!  I was considering opening my eyes with a disapointed feeling when the music stopped.  Three hours had gone by - wow. Yesterday I felt out of it, wondering what was I integrating since I didn't have much memory of things happening.  But today I woke up feeling so ALIVE, so AWESOME  that I declared it to be Totally Awesome To Be Alive Day.



Lori enjoyed her experience and looked gorgeous as she went on her ride. She was doing all sorts of cool motions with her hands, sort of a mix of sculpting and dancing at times. She sat up on a number of occasions and it took all my control not to wrap her up in a hug. Her session ended really cool as the creator of this process and a founding father of Transpersonal Psychology, 80-year-old Stan Grof laid down next to her and held her hand. She opened her eyes and looked at him like a new-born baby. She said, "The Universe is purple! Do you see it?"  Stan, replied "No, but I'm glad you do."  She went on to say, "No matter how much you give, it all comes back to you." It was beautiful to watch.

Everything Is Energy - LIVE

Still riding high after an amazing week in Boulder, CO with David and Kristin Morelli and a few hundred other fantastic people.  The Morelli’s hosted a 3-day event, Everything Is Energy LIVE, that Lori and I attended.  A couple weeks before the event I felt called to serve as a volunteer, so with my extended hours and working through meal breaks I didn’t really get to see Lori much, but we both had quite a time.  Not always good during it, but great by the end.

I ended up working on the video production side, which was pretty fun as that was my job for much of the 90’s.  It also gave me lots of behind the scenes access to the whole event, the opportunity to be part of a great team lead by Robert MacPhee and let me be close to David and Kristin as I was responsible for getting the wireless mics on them – and that Kristin can be a tough one to wrangle.  She once made it to the stage and was dancing before I could strap her in.

The volunteers were also responsible for holding the space, creating a safe place for growth and transformation while keeping the room grounded.  Now, I’ve heard the term “holding space” tossed around for a while, but this was my first experience truly feeling it and it was powerful.  The energy in that room was astounding.  It was such a cool experience to have strangers compliment my space holding and say how much they enjoyed my energy.  I made lots of great connections with attendees and my fellow coaches.

Aside from great teachings from Kristin and David the event featured guests, Dr. Alex Loyd of The Healing Codes, musician Robert Gass – who lead some of the most powerful meditations and truly had the place whipped into a frenzy with some chanting - and Gay Hendricks just making it under the wire after a missed flight.

There were many powerful meditations and exercises.  I tried to keep an eye on Lori and sometimes knew we were thinking of the same thing during some couples work even when I couldn’t be next to her.  There were lots of intense times that made the weekend feel like it was weeks long, none more so than speaking on stage about my past of depression and suicide attempts.  It was very difficult yet rewarding at the same time, and it just melted my heart to see Lori in the audience looking back at me in tears.  We’ve been through some major shit together and I’m so fortunate to have her in my life.  Once the event ended and people streamed out of the room we found each other and just stood there locked in an embrace for quite a while.

Sunday afternoon was the graduation ceremony for my yearlong energy coaching program, Enwaken. A majority of the 100+ Enwakeners from around the world were in the room and we could feel the ones who didn’t make it anyway.   We got to hear from Gay Hendricks again and we each said something about our journey on stage.  All I remember is I was bawling.  In fact, I’ve been in tears everyday since Labor Day.  This has been quite a month.  And quite a year.  And quite a life.

We had the celebration rocking the lobby as one of the coaches, Dan, is an amazing singer and piano player.  The hotel asked us to stop due to noise complaints and I realized the gym was open 24/7 so Dan grabbed his own keyboards from his car and we moved the party into the gym – even with a couple guys working out.  It was all fun and games till someone got hurt, by my hand of course which has ended many a party in the past, but Tina can take a medicine ball to the face like a trooper and we sang and danced till 12:12am on Sept 12.

Monday kicked off another three-day event, the wrap-up of the Enwaken Leadership program, a special six-month program for leading groups.  That was another wild ride with lots of breakdowns and breakthroughs.

I flew home on the red eye Wednesday night and now, Friday night, I’m at Kripalu in Lenox Ma for another round of Holotropic Breathwork tomorrow.  I was at this very event a year ago, this time Lori has joined me.  It was here last year that I first saw the burning heart image that is now tattooed on my arm.  95 people are here and we know five of them from prior breathwork, so that is really cool.  I have no idea what’s left in me to come out after such an intense time in Boulder, the great part to that is that I have no expectations. That makes breathwork all the better.

No let up in the energy after this weekend.  The Morelli’s annual 40 Days and 40 Nights program kicks off on Tuesday September 20^th.  You can still join if you feel called.  This was the program that first introduced me to David and Kristen about 2 ½ years ago.  Our journey together isn’t over as I’ve been selected to be an apprentice and work with next year’s fresh batch of Enwaken students, so I’ll be back in Boulder again in November for the kick-off to that.  And Lori will be with me once again, as she’s decided to take the Enwaken program herself.  Gonna be another wild ride of a year.

Ceremony

Roughly 24 hours ago I began my first ayahuasca ceremony. And it was indeed a ceremony, much more than merely drinking some ayahuasca. It simply was the most amazing night of my life. I'm going to attempt some descriptions but make no promises of anything making sense.

Setting the stage: Eight people lying in a circle in a quiet secluded house in upstate NY. One-by-one the shaman talks to each of us in private, giving us a gemstone (mine was citrine, which blew my mind because I recently ordered a citrine necklace) and asking if there was anything we wanted healed, had expectations for etc. I was surprisingly not nervous at all and had no expectations. I was ready for whatever I needed to happen. I was told to focus on the oneness, let the plant come into me, think of love and gratitude. Sweet, I thought, I can do that.

Back in the main room, each person kneels before the shaman and drinks a small cup of ayahuasca, then we sat quietly in the dark till it took effect. I had heard so much about how awful it tasted that I actually thought it tasted kind of good as I was prepared to be gagging. It tasted very earthy and organic. Like dirt and ash in a liquid. Yeah, I know sounds gross but somehow it didn't hit me that way. Over the next 30 minutes or so most of the circle laid down. I wasn't feeling much at all, only very slight sensations through my head and seeing shadows spread over the room.  Some folks were almost immediately dry heaving and getting sick. At the 40 minute mark the shaman asked if anyone felt they needed to drink some more. I said yes, and that is when the fun kicked in.

I really have no sense of time from here on in, but pretty quickly laying down on my sleeping bag with my eyes closed I got sensations of vines or tentacles crawling down my throat and spreading throughout my body. It reminded me of a cheesy horror movie but it felt incredibly comforting and soothing. Then like a light switch was turned on I had images of tapestries/graphics, sort of a maze-like design, filling my head.

The ceremony had the shaman singing these amazing songs, icaros, that propelled me into other dimensions. I was sometimes aware of the room and other times on other planes of reality it seemed. And it was all with a tremendous amount of fun and joy. As the singing continued I could sometimes see streams of colors - the thoughts of the shaman - picking the next word to the song. I'd see the word come to vibrant life than leave a trail as others took it in. It was like emotional calligraphy in 3D. Then things turned into sort of a Technicolor, realer-than-3D version of the movie Avatar. The shaman's voice became the plants voice, the earth's voice, nature's voice. I was having spasms with my hands, shoulders, and feet. I was full of so much love and happiness I was going to burst and couldn't stay still.

You know the feeling after a Novocaine injection at the dentist, when for a few hours after the appointment half your mouth doesn't work?  My whole body was like that. Feeling my limbs flop and my hands shake as fast as they could was so much fun. I was laughing hysterically in my head and smiling all night long. Sometimes my laughter would come out but because my tongue and lips weren't working well it would be guttural grunts and snorts that would then send me into absolute hysterics. That went on for hours and hours. I soared all over the place. Sometimes I was aware of the room, then of being connected to the two dogs roaming around the room, and jumping out my skin what a cat brushed against me. But it was a rapturous never-ending moment of joy and love that I simply couldn't contain. I was smashing my hands together like a seal trying to clap when I really liked things I heard or saw. The most repetitive thought I had was, I can't believe how much joy I feel. Life is so fucking AWESOME!!

After what I'm told was three hours the shaman said the ceremony is now over. I thought, are you kidding me? I'm zooming through a couple dozen dimensions here and when I do open my eyes I see a red and blue grid work on everything. Like I'm seeing the wire-frame version of life or everything was covered in graph paper. I kept going in and out of the room, taking on the mind of the dog, feeling the absolute in the moment joy that dogs seem to have in everything they do. I could sometimes here people laughing at my laughing, which made me laugh more. In the morning they told me sometimes the timing of my laughs into their conversations was amazing. I flopped and spasmed and slammed my hands against my chest while having occasional outbursts of laughter for many more hours. I'd sometimes hear Lori's voice and connect with her and feel so much love, it was just amazing. I have no idea how much longer anything lasted but everyone else was drumming and singing so that every time I thought I was coming in for a landing - a drum beat would resonate to my core and just fill full of bliss again - launching more snorting and laughing and flopping around on the floor. Eventually everyone around my seemed to fall asleep as I continued my magic carpet ride. It didn't feel finished until dawn.

It honestly was the most amazing experience I've ever had. I felt more fun, joy, happiness and love than I ever knew was possible. I'm told each ayahuasca experience is different, so since this was so perfect I'm feeling pretty content to leave it at one.  Lori liked most parts of her experience, but did get sick initially.

Good times.

Update: 7/26/11Forgot to mention that one of the participants had a harmonium (which I'd never seen nor heard of before). She brought it out while everyone else was done but I was still zooming along so I didn't see it till the morning, (actually I wasn't even sure it was real or had only been music in my head). Cause, man, that music was as much of a drug as any substance. In my mind it was some giant circus calliope designed by Dr. Seuss. Then other times I was sure some Irish folk band was singing and dancing around me. I was positive people were looking down on me at one point, but the next day Lori said no such thing happened. The music and drumming resonated so deeply in my body and soul, it kept fueling me each time I thought the experience was winding down and I'd just drift off to sleep - the music kicked in, or perhaps I only noticed it again, and off I went into one of the dozens of dimensions I was bouncing around.

Some people have asked how I've felt since. Sunday I was spent. Barely there. Walking in the morning felt like walking on the moon. I was exhausted and dehydrated, somehow starving but not hungry enough to eat. Finally had a meal around 3pm.

I slept soundly and deeply Sunday night. Recall a few vivid flashes of what seemed like some ancient language from the night. I went for a five minute car ride and that was amazing. Every single sight and sound totally distracted me. I wanted to stop and meet every person I drove by. I don't know how Lori drove us home on Sunday, I couldn't have done it. Even today some sounds I hear stop me in my tracks because they seem to be coming from inside of me, not outside. Also some simple, automatic things like using the phone startle and confuse me, it is as if everything is brand new again. Even watching TV on Monday was wild - everything I watched was "the best show ever!"

Ayahuasca Weekend

I love the synchronicities of the universe. When we visited Peru in 2006 our first flight to the Amazon was aborted due to bad weather. Lori and I found ourselves stranded at the airport in Lima with hundreds of other folks for many hours waiting for another flight. One young Peruvian man sitting next to Lori asked why we were visiting Peru and once he learned we were headed to the Amazon he said we had to try ayahuasca.  Neither of us had ever heard of it but he kept saying we had to try it.  It was some sort of hallucinogenic jungle juice made from some amazonian plants and vines that shaman brewed up and you went on some wild trip to find your animal spirit or some crazy shit. I asked how often he'd taken it. Never, he said and laughed. He'd never been out to the jungle but said if you are going you have to try it.

In our journeys we did meet a shaman and when I asked him about ayahuasca he produced a bottle of what looked like thick red wine. He let me hold it but our guide wouldn't let us try it. He said he would get in trouble letting tourists try it.

Years later I learned more about it and that it was part of a powerful ceremony of self exploration. There are vacations you can take to South America that are built around multiple days of drinking ayahuasca. I thought I'd only be able to try it if we returned to Peru, but about a year ago I met someone who was trained as a shaman in Peru and does ayahuasca ceremonies in the US. So this weekend Lori and I will finally be partaking of the ayahuasca experience. Until now the most amazing sort of self exploration trip I've had was with holotropic breathing, and I'm really looking forward to what goes down.  We've been doing a cleansing diet since Wednesday; no processed foods, meat, sugar, salt, fat... The blander your diet the better the experience.

I did a little searching of experiences but after reading a few paragraphs I decided not to read more so I could go into the weekend without any expectations.  I'm looking forward to whatever comes my way, and especially eating some good greasy, meaty food come Sunday.