Ceremony

Roughly 24 hours ago I began my first ayahuasca ceremony. And it was indeed a ceremony, much more than merely drinking some ayahuasca. It simply was the most amazing night of my life. I'm going to attempt some descriptions but make no promises of anything making sense.

Setting the stage: Eight people lying in a circle in a quiet secluded house in upstate NY. One-by-one the shaman talks to each of us in private, giving us a gemstone (mine was citrine, which blew my mind because I recently ordered a citrine necklace) and asking if there was anything we wanted healed, had expectations for etc. I was surprisingly not nervous at all and had no expectations. I was ready for whatever I needed to happen. I was told to focus on the oneness, let the plant come into me, think of love and gratitude. Sweet, I thought, I can do that.

Back in the main room, each person kneels before the shaman and drinks a small cup of ayahuasca, then we sat quietly in the dark till it took effect. I had heard so much about how awful it tasted that I actually thought it tasted kind of good as I was prepared to be gagging. It tasted very earthy and organic. Like dirt and ash in a liquid. Yeah, I know sounds gross but somehow it didn't hit me that way. Over the next 30 minutes or so most of the circle laid down. I wasn't feeling much at all, only very slight sensations through my head and seeing shadows spread over the room.  Some folks were almost immediately dry heaving and getting sick. At the 40 minute mark the shaman asked if anyone felt they needed to drink some more. I said yes, and that is when the fun kicked in.

I really have no sense of time from here on in, but pretty quickly laying down on my sleeping bag with my eyes closed I got sensations of vines or tentacles crawling down my throat and spreading throughout my body. It reminded me of a cheesy horror movie but it felt incredibly comforting and soothing. Then like a light switch was turned on I had images of tapestries/graphics, sort of a maze-like design, filling my head.

The ceremony had the shaman singing these amazing songs, icaros, that propelled me into other dimensions. I was sometimes aware of the room and other times on other planes of reality it seemed. And it was all with a tremendous amount of fun and joy. As the singing continued I could sometimes see streams of colors - the thoughts of the shaman - picking the next word to the song. I'd see the word come to vibrant life than leave a trail as others took it in. It was like emotional calligraphy in 3D. Then things turned into sort of a Technicolor, realer-than-3D version of the movie Avatar. The shaman's voice became the plants voice, the earth's voice, nature's voice. I was having spasms with my hands, shoulders, and feet. I was full of so much love and happiness I was going to burst and couldn't stay still.

You know the feeling after a Novocaine injection at the dentist, when for a few hours after the appointment half your mouth doesn't work?  My whole body was like that. Feeling my limbs flop and my hands shake as fast as they could was so much fun. I was laughing hysterically in my head and smiling all night long. Sometimes my laughter would come out but because my tongue and lips weren't working well it would be guttural grunts and snorts that would then send me into absolute hysterics. That went on for hours and hours. I soared all over the place. Sometimes I was aware of the room, then of being connected to the two dogs roaming around the room, and jumping out my skin what a cat brushed against me. But it was a rapturous never-ending moment of joy and love that I simply couldn't contain. I was smashing my hands together like a seal trying to clap when I really liked things I heard or saw. The most repetitive thought I had was, I can't believe how much joy I feel. Life is so fucking AWESOME!!

After what I'm told was three hours the shaman said the ceremony is now over. I thought, are you kidding me? I'm zooming through a couple dozen dimensions here and when I do open my eyes I see a red and blue grid work on everything. Like I'm seeing the wire-frame version of life or everything was covered in graph paper. I kept going in and out of the room, taking on the mind of the dog, feeling the absolute in the moment joy that dogs seem to have in everything they do. I could sometimes here people laughing at my laughing, which made me laugh more. In the morning they told me sometimes the timing of my laughs into their conversations was amazing. I flopped and spasmed and slammed my hands against my chest while having occasional outbursts of laughter for many more hours. I'd sometimes hear Lori's voice and connect with her and feel so much love, it was just amazing. I have no idea how much longer anything lasted but everyone else was drumming and singing so that every time I thought I was coming in for a landing - a drum beat would resonate to my core and just fill full of bliss again - launching more snorting and laughing and flopping around on the floor. Eventually everyone around my seemed to fall asleep as I continued my magic carpet ride. It didn't feel finished until dawn.

It honestly was the most amazing experience I've ever had. I felt more fun, joy, happiness and love than I ever knew was possible. I'm told each ayahuasca experience is different, so since this was so perfect I'm feeling pretty content to leave it at one.  Lori liked most parts of her experience, but did get sick initially.

Good times.

Update: 7/26/11Forgot to mention that one of the participants had a harmonium (which I'd never seen nor heard of before). She brought it out while everyone else was done but I was still zooming along so I didn't see it till the morning, (actually I wasn't even sure it was real or had only been music in my head). Cause, man, that music was as much of a drug as any substance. In my mind it was some giant circus calliope designed by Dr. Seuss. Then other times I was sure some Irish folk band was singing and dancing around me. I was positive people were looking down on me at one point, but the next day Lori said no such thing happened. The music and drumming resonated so deeply in my body and soul, it kept fueling me each time I thought the experience was winding down and I'd just drift off to sleep - the music kicked in, or perhaps I only noticed it again, and off I went into one of the dozens of dimensions I was bouncing around.

Some people have asked how I've felt since. Sunday I was spent. Barely there. Walking in the morning felt like walking on the moon. I was exhausted and dehydrated, somehow starving but not hungry enough to eat. Finally had a meal around 3pm.

I slept soundly and deeply Sunday night. Recall a few vivid flashes of what seemed like some ancient language from the night. I went for a five minute car ride and that was amazing. Every single sight and sound totally distracted me. I wanted to stop and meet every person I drove by. I don't know how Lori drove us home on Sunday, I couldn't have done it. Even today some sounds I hear stop me in my tracks because they seem to be coming from inside of me, not outside. Also some simple, automatic things like using the phone startle and confuse me, it is as if everything is brand new again. Even watching TV on Monday was wild - everything I watched was "the best show ever!"

Ayahuasca Weekend

I love the synchronicities of the universe. When we visited Peru in 2006 our first flight to the Amazon was aborted due to bad weather. Lori and I found ourselves stranded at the airport in Lima with hundreds of other folks for many hours waiting for another flight. One young Peruvian man sitting next to Lori asked why we were visiting Peru and once he learned we were headed to the Amazon he said we had to try ayahuasca.  Neither of us had ever heard of it but he kept saying we had to try it.  It was some sort of hallucinogenic jungle juice made from some amazonian plants and vines that shaman brewed up and you went on some wild trip to find your animal spirit or some crazy shit. I asked how often he'd taken it. Never, he said and laughed. He'd never been out to the jungle but said if you are going you have to try it.

In our journeys we did meet a shaman and when I asked him about ayahuasca he produced a bottle of what looked like thick red wine. He let me hold it but our guide wouldn't let us try it. He said he would get in trouble letting tourists try it.

Years later I learned more about it and that it was part of a powerful ceremony of self exploration. There are vacations you can take to South America that are built around multiple days of drinking ayahuasca. I thought I'd only be able to try it if we returned to Peru, but about a year ago I met someone who was trained as a shaman in Peru and does ayahuasca ceremonies in the US. So this weekend Lori and I will finally be partaking of the ayahuasca experience. Until now the most amazing sort of self exploration trip I've had was with holotropic breathing, and I'm really looking forward to what goes down.  We've been doing a cleansing diet since Wednesday; no processed foods, meat, sugar, salt, fat... The blander your diet the better the experience.

I did a little searching of experiences but after reading a few paragraphs I decided not to read more so I could go into the weekend without any expectations.  I'm looking forward to whatever comes my way, and especially eating some good greasy, meaty food come Sunday.

Where Have I Been?

Facebook and Twitter have really cut down how often I feel compelled to do longer posts, but for the sake of the billions of people I'm not connected with in social media - here's what's been going on.

I've been more active with videos and posts over on my book and suicide prevention site: SurvivingMyselfBook.com and actually had an interview on blog talk radio on Monday. You can check it out here.

Larry The Lizard continues to take the world by storm, Lori's been doing lots of readings of our book "The Globetrotting Adventures of Larry The Lizard: Larry in The Amazon" at area schools and libraries.  Larry even went skydiving last weekend.

My Enwaken coaching program continues and has been amazing. I've launched a new website for my Energy Coaching and it has been going very well.

Have seen a few movies this summer, my favorites were "Bridesmaids", "Super8" and the final Harry Potter.

Not many concerts on tap this year. I did see KISS again last week. They played in Manchester, NH as part of their "lost cities" tour. It was really cool to see them in a small place, they couldn't do the full show with Gene and Paul flying around the arena and I didn't miss that one bit. I've never liked when one band member was off on some private stage. I prefer having the whole band together on stage together. I was shocked how much noise the small arena made, I'm pretty sure the place holds less than 10,000 and the show wasn't sold out. I had good seats, straight back from the stage a few rows up off the floor - perfect dead on view of the stage for the KISS spectacle. I don't know if it says more about New Hampshire or KISS, but most of the people in my section were huge and they weren't about to stand up for the show. I don't know how many hundreds of concerts I've been to over the years, but I don't sit down at shows. I hate sitting down for live music. But since I've seen KISS so many times, I gave it a try and it made it a completely new experience. I paid far more attention to the lights, the show, the crowd, and actually listening to the music instead of belting out they lyrics myself. It was a really good time, even if it made me feel old.

Holotropic Breathwork - March 19, 2011

Yesterday was my fourth Holotropic Breathwork session and Lori's second. It was our first time with the Boston Holotropic group which made it close and convenient. If you aren't familiar with Holotropic Breathwork, it is a group process of deep accelerated breathing and loud evocative music that puts breathers into non-ordinary states of consciousness where amazing things can happen. I find it to be the most amazing, transformative, and healing experience I've ever come across. It allows for an inner journey, that often seems like a psychedelic trip, yet involves no drugs or alcohol. It is fueled solely by your own breath. The best instruction I heard this weekend was "Breathe until you are surprised."

You work in pairs, there is a breather and a sitter. A sessions goes for 2 - 3 hours then participants swap for a session later that day or sometimes the next day depending on the workshop. Yesterday was the first time Lori and I were partners. The first time, last December in Vermont, that Lori tried it we didn't want our relationship/involvement to effect the other person's experience so we partnered with other people. Now that we are wily veterans it felt fine to work together, and I'm so glad we did.

This weekend included a group of eight breathers at a time and Lori breathed first. It took roughly ten minutes until I was sure she was having an experience. She had a sleep mask covering her eyes and a blanket pulled up to her chin, so the only thing I could clearly see was her mouth. I've never seen such a beautiful sight. Her smile was almost blinding with joy. She rocked in place to the music and became very verbal and active with her arms. The first words I could make out were, "Fly, be free!" She seemed to be throwing things out into the air, then at times was playing with her own hair, tossing it all around having a grand time.

Soon it became clear she was having a full conversation with someone and laughing hysterically through out it. I knew, and she later confirmed, that she was talking to her dad (who passed away almost 29 years ago). She kept saying such things as, "I know, I know", "I will", "Uh huh", "all right", "ok"... and laughing like a loon the whole time. I had so much fun watching her and feeling the love and joy emanating from that smile. Her laughter filled the room and was infectious. As I made eye contact with other sitters and the facilitators wandering the room, they were all laughing too. I've never seen any breathwork experience like this before. I teased Lori earlier that this is supposed to be traumatic and healing, but she just keeps making it fun. She went overboard this time.

Watching my wife so full of love, life and joy was the most amazing experience for me. She's never looked more beautiful to me. A single tear of joy rolled down my face as I lay next to her. I felt like I was witnessing a miracle and I hope that feeling never fades.

Lori's Mandala

At times she sat fully up, laughing like a mad woman, saying "I know, I know", "ok, ok", "That's silly." She was reminiscing all sorts of stories and memories with her dad. Once I heard her say "That's f'd up", because she couldn't swear in front of her dad. She seemed to be having the time of her life and it was an honor to be in her presence.  This lasted for over an hour then it slowly faded away and she got quiet and still with occasional bursts of physical movement. After about two hours and fifteen minutes she opened her eyes and was ready to stop.

My breathing session was in the afternoon and this one was unlike any other. My prior three experiences had a lot of tears, sobs and pain. This time... it seemed just like a really deep meditation. I felt very protected, blessed and that things were healing, yet there were very little visuals, I barely budged the entire time and I didn't have any vivid memories or experiences. At some points I wondered if I'd fallen asleep even. Then suddenly the music stopped and I thought, this can't be over not much than an hour could have passed yet. When I opened my eyes, there were no other breathers in the room and Lori was sitting by my side. She thought I went very deep and had quite an experience because I moved so little and she said there were multiple times it seemed I stopped breathing completely.  Friday night the workshop leader mentioned something called "blue-lip bliss", a meditative state so deep that some people forget to breathe. That seemed to be where I ended up. I was very aware of the people, sounds and movement around me. I could tell others were having quite vivid experiences, people were screaming crying, pounding the floor... I did my best not to feel disappointed and just let whatever happens happen. I had a few visuals, like I was in some universal sized snow globe, protected and safe, the last thing I recall seeing was a gold crown, which made me laugh as it reminded me of Monty Python and the Holy Grail. It was like I was seeing my quest or something.

My Mandala

Anyway, I got up from my mat quite easily and went to draw my mandala, which was rather bland as I "saw" so little this time. The mandala is a little arts and crafts project you do after your breathing session. Before you even speak about what happened to anyone you put it on paper. It is another way to integrate your experience.

In the closing session someone said, "I've done a lot of drugs in my life, but nothing gets me high like this does." I couldn't agree more. If you like new experiences or are into personal exploration, you owe it to yourself to try Holotropic Breathwork.  For those in the Boston area, there will be another session in Belmont in May. Visit Boston Holotropic for info.

Much more went on in my breathing session that I'm aware of because I slept for over 11 hours last night and have been overcome by tears a few times today, especially when I recall watching Lori.

Another Weekend in London

We were in London, England from March 3 - 7th. This was our third short London trip and since we were both rather sick and didn't feel like doing very much, I'm glad it wasn't our first time there. We had a goal of seeing three things we hadn't seen before, Westminster Abbey, Churchill War Rooms, and the Tate Museum of Modern Art.

Westminster Abbey is something Lori had wanted to go to on earlier trips but I shunned it thinking it was boring. I'm glad to be wrong about that because the Abbey is very cool. We did the 90 minute guided tour which I highly recommend. I had no idea how much of English history the Abbey covers, and the guided tour lets you go places you aren't allowed to enter on your own. We walked over the graves of Newton, Darwin, Dickens, Faraday (LOST shoutout!) and thousands more. We also stood just feet from where Kings are coronated and where the Royal Wedding will happen next month. Now I'm actually interested in watching it. I never would have expected that! The first cabbie we had said "The only thing this country is still good at is putting on weddings and funerals." They all go down at the Abbey. On a prior trip we did a tour of the Tower of London which was far more interesting than I expected, too. Those are the two tours I recommend for London the most.

Plush Larry in London

The Churchill War Rooms were neat but a bit disappointing compared to my imagination. This is where WWII was run from and I expected it to be some deep bunker, but it was only a normal basement 10 feet below street level. It was mainly keeping the location such a secret that kept it from ever being bombed. Over time they reinforced it with steel and concrete, but I'm still amazed all the people that worked and lived there were so safe just 10 feet below the ground. The little details and first hand stories from the clerks and typists were fascinating.

Hanging at the palace gates

We left a Plush Larry the Lizard at the Buckingham Palace gates and watched from afar to see who had the nerve to take him home. Later we gave one to a little girl in a restaurant and she was ecstatic. Plush Larry is a big hit!

Our last full day we explored the Tate Museum of Modern Art. I thought I was pretty open minded, but lots of stuff here just made us laugh and shake our heads. Gabriel Orozco had some interesting stuff that was right up my alley, like painted skulls, and chopped up cars, but there was actually a display of dryer lint, and an empty shoe box. I'm not making this up. Check it out. Guards have to watch over the shoe box so nobody moves it or throws it away thinking it is a... shoe box. We finally gave up and left after gazing at a million fake sunflower seeds. Despite not "getting it" we both enjoyed the museum. Then before we realized it we were back home.